| American Matrix |
| 1 | 1. Yes, No – Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I win! – No, no, no, no! I win! – No, I win! – You cheat! Mom, Bobby cheats! – You, rat! Rat, rat, rat, rat! – Mommy, Bobby calls me names! – Children, play nicely! |
| 2 | 3. Drew – I'm ready, Johnny. Read your poem. – Yes, people, yes, it's true – I love that pretty, pretty Drew. Yes, I love Drew; I love cinema, Shakespeare, pizza, and my ma. But Drew does not love me; she loves Pete. When I see her, I spit! Spit, spit, spit, spit! – Poor boy! Your mа loves you, Johnny! Give her a kiss! |
| 3 | 4. Limerick – A limerick by my son Johnny. – Mister Clark has a lark. And, Mister Rice has filthy... sorry, fifty mice. Mister Rice has fifty mice! Mister Rook is a crook. And, Lady Dunn has a gun. They live in a bar in Africa... no, in... in Zanzibar! They all live in a bar in Zanzibar! – Very good, Johnny! – And, and Mister Doodle has a poodle, And Mister Pork is a dork! – Oh, Johnny, I love you! – And, my mom says that I'm not a dork! – You are not a dork, Johnny! – And, Mister Dick is a geek! And, and... – That's enough, Johnny! Go to your room! And take that finger out of your nose! – Okay, mom... |
| 4 | 5. Hate or Love? – Oh, stop it! You know I'm ticklish! – I know, sweetie pie... What is that? It's a new tattoo... it's a portrait... it is... John Lennon! I see... – You see what!? I love John Lennon. "All you need is love"! – I know... Love, sweet love and nothing else... – You have food? I'm so hungry, I can eat a horse. – Look in the fridge. – Where? – In the refrigerator. Where else? – OK... in the fridge... but you've got... you've got only beer and ketchup in there! – Yes, I know. But all you need is love, right? – You! I hate you! |
| 5 | 6. Horror – Oh hi, Jane! Still mad at me? It was just a joke... – Hi, Bob! You know that I hate your jokes! – Sorry. You wanna go see a movie? – It depends. Which one? – That new horror flick. I know that you like horror movies. – Yes, I do. You mean the "Cut, Gut and Lots of Blood" starring Muma Crumann? – That's the one. – The director is simply a genius! I love all his movies! He's more than a genius! – Of course, he is... – Bob! – What? – I don't like your tone! |
| 6 | 7. Just A Cold – So, what do you think? – Eeny meeny miny moe, Catch the monster by the toe... – Muma Crumann's just great! The girl's the biggest star ever! The cameraman's awesome! Awesome! I'm so impressed! – Yeah... so am I. Tell me, who was that fat guy with the big axe? – You don't know? He's her father, of course. You have to watch closely to understand. – I did, Jane. I swear I did. – Did you? I think I've heard you snore once or twice. – No, I did watch it! I've just got a cold, that's all! – Just a cold, eh? OK. But, be very careful, mister! Very careful, because I'm watching you! I'm watching you like a hawk! |
| 7 | 8. Reading Updike – Knock, knock! – Who's there? – It's the man you like to hate. – All right, my hateful man, come in. What's up? – Not much. What are you doing? Reading? Are you all right? – Yes, I'm reading. It's Updike... – Updike? John Hoyer Updike? Son of Linda Grace (Hoyer) Updike and Wesley Russell Updike? Born in Reading, Pennsylvania, in nineteen thirty-two? Graduated from Harvard College in nineteen fifty-four? The famous novelist, essayist, critic and overall refined intellectual? The cult author? The Updike!? – Oh, stop it! You think that if I liked "Cut, Gut and Lots of Blood", I can't read Updike? I can and I do! And, I enjoy doing it very much! There! |
| 8 | 9. Hamlet – Hamlet. A poem by my son Johnny! – To be or not to be? The silly, silly bee! To see or not to see? Or swim into the sea? To eat or not to eat That juicy chunk of meat? I'm Hamlet, Prince of Danes! I'm suffering from pains! To talk or not to talk? Or go for a walk? Or hide under the bed? The voices in my head... I rhyme and then I scream! Or is it but a dream? I'm Hamlet, Prince I am! I'm finished. Thank you, m'am... – Oh, that's beautiful! You are a genius, Johnny! Simply a genius! |
| 9 | 10. Johnny The Fireman – What is this, Johnny? – It's a book of matches and a can of gas, mom. – I can see that it is a book of matches and a can of gasoline, Johnny. But why? What are you doing with them? – I wanna be a fireman. I like setting things on fire. I like fire. It's very bright and nice and... – Now, Johnny, you're upsetting your mother. We both know that you will become a famous poet, an author! And don't say "wanna"; it's bad English! – Okay, mom. But, can I be both a famous poet and a fireman and set things on fire? Please? Please? Please? – No, you cannot, Johnny! – But, mom... – You're upsetting your mother, John. Thisdiscussion is over! Go to your roomand study Shakespeare! And take that finger out of your nose! – Okay, mom... |
| 10 | 11. Time To... For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones together; A time to seek, And a time to lose; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time for war, And a time for peace; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones together... |
| 11 | 12. Workaholic – OK, Jim. Tell me more about your work experience. – Oh I did this and that... I delivered pizza for a while... – And why did you quit the pizza delivery? – Oh, you know, my car broke down and stuff... – But do you have a reliable car now? You must have transportation to be hired. – Yes, I do and it runs great. It's a vintage classic. I bought it from... – So, why do you want this job? – Well, I need to pay my rent, and you guys are hiring. I saw the ad in the paper. – Hmm... Your hair is pretty long. It's against our policy. All our security officers have to have a neat, short haircut. And wear a uniform. – That's tough, man! OK. I guess I can cut my hair... – All right then... One final question. What do you think your major personal flaw is? – I know the correct answer, man! I'm a... what's the word? a workaholic! I work too hard! – Oh, I'm sure you do, buddy, I'm sure you do... |
| 12 | 13. Cruising For A Bruising – You want coffee or tea? – I'm fine, thank you. – You've been sitting at the computer for two hours. I didn't see you have breakfast. Or take a shower for that matter. – I've been chatting. I've found this new chat room and there's this guy... – It's not healthy, you know. You sit there staring at the screen and talking to yourself. You never even combed your hair. You look like a madman. – Oh, you exaggerate! I don't look like a madman! It's just that... – Go take a shower right now and have something to eat! – Oh really... – Do it now or you won't know what hit you, buddy! You're cruising for a bruising! – All right, I'll go but I'll be eating without an appetite! – Just shut up and go! Don't try my patience any longer... |
| 13 | 14. Harry Forever – Look at this line, Jane! It's a half mile long! What's going on? – Don't you know? The one hundred fiftieth or so, book of Harry Potter by the famous author Rowling is out today. All her fans are standing in line to buy it. – No way! And, what about that fat, bald guy in his... fifties? He's dressed up like a clown: night gown, moronic hat and all. What's he supposed to be? – Your ignorance is appalling, my friend. He's the Harry Potter, the young magician fighting the evil... – I know! I know! The... what's his name... Potner fights the evil Agent Smith and the Matrix! – You savage! Don't you know anything about the mass culture? The Matrix was fought by Neo, who was the Chosen One. And, there also was Morpheus and that chick in tight shiny pants you liked so much... – I remember! It's come back to me now. We went to see it together, right? – Right. You were late for the show; and I was mad at you and didn't talk to you for some time. – Yeah, I do remember. But, look at those guys; what a bunch of morons! – Yes, my friend, the brain-dead rule America... |
| 14 | 15. Star light, star bright – What a gorgeous sunset! Just look at that view! It's breathtaking! – Thank you. We like it too. – Like it? That's what I call a serious understatement! I'm absolutely loving it! – Thank you. It's always nice to hear. – Have you bought the house? – No, we could never have afforded it. Not these days. My parents left it to me. – Lucky you. It's such a beautiful place. And so peaceful. – Yes, it is. And down there, we even have a private beach. – You've got a river? – No, it's a lake. Look over there – we have a boat and a private mooring. – That beauty is your boat? I'm gonna die... By the way, what lake is it? – It's Lake Sammamish. And, of course, it's full of trout... Do you like fishing? – You bet. I come from Alaska. – We also have two horses, a pony, and a donkey. Can you ride a horse? – Yes, I can. – How about a ride tomorrow morning? – I'm so excited I can hardly wait! – Look, the first star! – Ah yes, "Star light, star bright..." – "I wish I may, I wish I might..." |
| 15 | 16. Abracadabra – Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, you have the right haircut, the right scar, the right looks. You even have a wand. But, you do not have... – Sir? – You still do not know how to say... – What? Sir? – You cannot pronounce the word... – Yes, I can, I can! – Do not interrupt me, Harry! You're cruising for a bruising! Just shut your mouth and sit there! I'm two hundred years old, I have a very bad temper, and I can smack you, if you do it again! You get my drift? – Yes, sir! I do, sir! – And take that finger out of your nose when I'm talking to you! OK, now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you, Harry, cannot properly pronounce the word "abracadabra". You wanna try it once again, Harry? – Yes, Professor Doubledoork! – Do it then. – Abracalabra... ablacramabra... abrashmabra... abra... – Get out of my face, you, little twit! Out, out! How do you intend to defeat the all-powerful Lord Ugliwart, if you can't say this simple word "ablaca... avrac..." Oh, never mind! Go and study, Harry! Study! Shame on you! No dessert for you tonight! Ablaca... Oh damn! |
| 16 | 17. What's The Difference? – Good morning, Jim! Can you help me with the computer again? – Uh, sure, but those guys never brought it back... – Yes, they did. It's sitting on my desk! – No way! They couldn't have gotten past me without my seeing them. – But, I'm telling you – it's right there. I've just seen it. – Oh, maybe, you've seen a ghost or something... – Are you gonna help or should I ask somebody else? – Oh, I guess... let's go... – Here it is! – Where? – Right here – in front of you! – I'm not blind. I told you they never brought it back from the shop. It's not here. – If you're making some kind of joke, it's not funny. What's this in your opinion!? – It's only a monitor. – A monitor, a computer... What's the difference? Just help me turn it on – I've got work to do! – Oh, Good Lord! |
| 17 | 18. When You Go To San Francisco – So, how was San Fran? "When you go to San Francisco..." Have you met any "nice people" there? – It's a pretty cool town, actually. I saw quite a few bums on the streets, though... – Well, you can't go anywhere without seeing bums these days. They're a permanent part of the picture, I guess. Where did you stay? – In the Silver Cloud Inn. A pretty nice hotel, actually... – Did you go to Alcatraz? – Yes, I did. And to Chinatown and the Golden Gate Bridge. All the usual. And, the next day, a buddy of mine drove me all the way down to Monterey. – Did you take the One-O-One to Salinas and the Laguna Seca Road? It's beautiful country there. – No, first, we went to Santa Cruz and then down to Monterey. – Santa Cruz? That's where all the old hippies moved from San Fran. Well, actually some of them settled down in Oregon... But anyhow, there are all those little quaint shops in downtown Santa Cruz, near the beach, selling pipes, beads, rainbow shirts,allthat kind of stuff... – Peace, brother! – Yeah, dude, make love, not war! – Hey, hey! Ho, ho! The hate must go! |
| 18 | 19. Yeah, Dude... – OK. The rainbow days are over. Now, the suits rule the world once again... But, you seem to know an awful lot about that area. How come? – Well, as a matter of fact, I lived in Monterey for a few years. In Pacific Grove, to be exact... – Really? We drove right through it to get on the Seventeen Mile Drive. What a great coastline there! We even saw deer on a golf course! – I know. Those deer liked to eat my landlady's roses every night. Couldn't chase them away. Finally we had to have a fence built. But, they would jump the fence and do it anyway. The poor lady was absolutely desperate! She wanted me to sleep outside and guard the roses! But, you said you took that Seventeen Mile Drive. You know that I hiked a trail along that Drive almost every day? My house was practically next to the Drive's Gate, and I walked from there through Pebble Beach down to the ocean and all the way up to the point where you could see Carmel. – Really? It's a pretty long hike! I'm amazed. You're a monster hiker, man! – Well, unfortunately, not any more. To be honest, I slowed down a bit... – Yeah, dude, me too... |
| 19 | 20. What's Up, Bro? – Hey, what's up, bro? – Not much. Got myself a new computer. Have a look. – Wow! That's fancy stuff! A real mean machine! A dual core processor and all! – It's special designed for gaming. It's a powerhouse. It's got the latest everything and more. A gazillion of real awesome gadgets. – Cool, man. Where'd you get the money? Rob a bank? It costs at least ten grand. – Fifteen Gs in a store near you. But for me, it was free. – No way, man! Or, maybe, Bill Gates turned out to be your long lost uncle and gave it to you as a gift? "Luke, I'm your father! Here's some small change for you..." – Not really. But, the Force was with me and this Young Jedi got hired as a game tester. – A what? – A game tester. They pay me to test their computer games. – That's wacky, man! They pay you to play? No way, man! – Way! And, they gave me this computer. I'm supposed to be giving them feedback on the games they develop. There may be bugs in the software and they pay testers like me to find them. – Does it pay well? – It ain't bad for just sitting around playing. I used to do it for free anyway... – May the Force be with you, bro! |
| 20 | 21. Beam Me Up, Scotty! – Looks like our buddy Steve got rich. Probably won the state lottery or something. I saw him drive around in a red Lamborghini the other day. It must be worth at least half a mil. – Yeah, I know. I talked to him yesterday and even had a ride in that rocket of his. – So, what's his story? – You won't believe it. – Try me. – OK. You know that our neighbor Stevie never in his life had a job. So, he sits around all day in his underwear watching "Star Trek" and browsing the paper. Well, about a week ago he goes through the automotive classifieds and he sees that ad. A Lamborghini for a hundred bucks! And being the stupid Trekkie he is he just calls the number. The guy on the other side says "Yep. Come on over and bring the money." Stevie says to himself "What the heck, it's only a ten minute drive, what am I gonna lose?" You with me so far? – Yes, I am. Go on. – Let's have a beer first. I had a tough day. You wanna a beer? – Sure. Beam me up, Scotty! |
| 21 | 22. Live Long and Prosper! – Hey, thanks for the beer, man. Go on with the story, will you? – So, you like it so far, uh? – You bet I do! The suspense's killing me. I'm on my toes waiting for the punch line! – All right then, it gets even better. Our Captain Kirk gets there; the guy gives him the signed title and the keys and off our Stevie goes in his new Lamborghini. – No, you must be kidding! – I kid you not, man. The story, apparently, is that the guy was in the middle of a very ugly divorce. I mean ugly. Ugly as they can get. He and his ex-wife fought over that Lamborghini for years. Finally, the judge rules that the guy must sell the car and give the money to his ex. – Oh, no! – Oh, yes, my man! Oh, yes! So, the guy tells the judge, very quietly, mind you, "Yes, your honor! Of course, your honor!" He sells his car to our trailer trash pal for the one hundred bucks and sends the check to his ex. The curtain falls. End of story. – Oh my, oh my, oh my! Looks like the stupid ones have all the luck in the world! – Let's drink to our lucky Captain Steve and his new spaceship! – Live long and prosper! |
| 22 | 23. It's A Free Country – Have you seen the presidential debate last night? – Well, I'm sorry to say I have. – You don't seem to be very impressed. – Impressed, I was. By their incredible stupidity! The Republican guy kept talking about "nu-killer" weapons. He can't even say "nuclear". I don't believe he went to Harvard. Probably slept all the way through it... – Well, brains are not his strong side. I give you that. What about the other guy? The Democrat. – Democrat, my foot! He's got more money in his pocket than Bill Gates and Donald Trump together. The other day, they showed his ranch in California, and it was the size of Long Island. And he "stands for the poor". Yeah, right... – Eeny meeny miny moe, catch the vote by the toe! So, you gonna vote this time around? – No way, Jose! – But, I will. If you don't mind, of course. – Go ahead. It's still a free country. Kind of... |
| 23 | 24. Long Live the King! – Hey, long time, no see! – Hi there! Good to see you. Yes, I guess it's been awhile... – Where've you been? Hawaii? You've got a nice tan. I'm envious! – No, not Hawaii. I'm back from Las Vegas. Got off the plane an hour ago. – Well, that's almost as good. How was it? Hit any jackpots? – No. No jackpots for me. I don't gamble, you know. – No way! You went to Vegas and didn't even gamble? That's weird! Then, what were you doing there, if not gambling? – Oh, this and that. We went to a couple of shows. I spent a lot of time in the pool. The buffets were pretty good. – Yeah, I love the buffets in Vegas. Great food and dirt cheap, too. – Yeah, Mary and I stuffed ourselves with steaks and lobsters. I felt like a pig. – Hey, did you see any Elvises? I think it's about the right time for that annual Elvis Presley convention. – Yeah, right! I was wondering what that bunch of fat guys with sideburns and sunglasses were doing. – It's pretty funny though when they start twisting and wiggling and saying: "Thank you! Thank you very much!" – Elvis forever, man! – Long live the King! |
| 24 | 25. The Impossible Book – Hey, let's go for a walk or something! – Oh, I'm kind of busy here... – Busy bee as always. What are you doing? Reading again? Let me see the title. – It's a bit silly, actually. You're gonna laugh. The title is "It is impossible to teach you a foreign language". – So? Like I didn't know. I always knew there was no way I could be taught a foreign language. – That's exactly the point the author makes. His whole argument is that you must teach yourself. You can learn it only yourself, from within; no one can teach you, from without. No teacher, no professor, no one. – Well, hmm... maybe, it's not as stupid as the title sounds. – No, it's not. It's pretty funny but also smart at the same time. I think you'd like it. – I'm suspicious. The guy probably sells you some snake oil in the end. One of those scam artists. – Nothing of the kind. You just are being cynical. You've got to trust people a little more. – If you say so, but I'm intrigued. Maybe, I can borrow the book from you sometime. – Sure. When I'm done with it. By the way, you can download it from the Web. For free. – Really? Maybe, I'll do that. You can't beat free... |
| 25 | 26. How Are You, Officer? – How are you, officer? Is there something wrong? I haven't done anything, have I? – Good morning, sir. The radar showed you speeding. You know the speed limit here? – Well, no, I don't know... – Really? The sign is right in front of you, sir. – Oh, I see. You're right, officer, but I didn't notice it. Sorry, officer. – Your license, registration, and insurance, please. – OK, let me see. Here they are, officer. – It's only the license and registration. You have insurance, don't you, sir? – Yes, officer. Of course, I do, officer. – Let me see it then, sir. – Sorry, I'm sure I put it in the glove compartment somewhere. It's so hot today, isn't it, officer? It's a tough job to sit all day on the bike in the sun, like you do... – Your insurance, sir. – Sorry. I've found it! Here it is! – Let me see it. It seems in order. – Of course, it is. Officer, let me explain about the speeding. Everybody was going... – It doesn't matter, sir. It was you on the radar. I'm giving you a ticket. Fifty dollars for the first time infraction. Have a nice day, sir. – Oh, man! |
| 26 | 27. That's the Spirit! – I was given a ticket today. – Really? What for? You are such a good driver. – Speeding. I was going down that hill and the damned cop ambushed me. Caught me on his radar. – Where was it, you said? – Oh, you know... that hill with the fancy house on top. – The red roof house? With the trees around it? – That's it. I was driving right past it when the cop pulled me over. – But, the traffic cops sit there all the time. It's their favorite hiding place. You didn't know? Everybody knows that. – Well, I didn't. – How much is it? – Fifty bucks for the first time. I was caught for the first time in my life, damn it! – Everybody gets caught sooner or later. What are you gonna do? Pay it? – Well, it says right here I can either pay it or appear in court. I'll fight it! It's unfair! They've got no right to ambush! Why don't they go and catch some real criminals for a change! – That's the spirit! Go get them! – You're damned right I will! |
| 27 | 28. Games? – Oh, it's so exciting! Halloween is coming. I need a costume. Have you decided on a costume yet? – Yes, I have. I won't have one. – What do you mean? What about the Halloween party? – I'm not going anywhere. No way. – Why? It's such fun. I'll dress up like an evil witch, I think. – I thought you were a Christian. – But, of course, I'm a Christian. – I don't think that being a Christian and being a witch add up. – Don't be so serious! It's just a game. Just fun. – Aha. It's a game all right. But only it's a satanic one, pure and simple. – Oh, I can dress up like a good witch or a fairy, if you want me to. – Well, I don't. Good or bad, it doesn't really change anything. I'm pretty fed up with all this satanism under the guise of "fun" and "tradition". I'm not playing this game any more. – What are you gonna do then? – I don't know. Whatever. Study French or something... – We can study together... – You mean that? Really? – Yes, I do... |
| 28 | 29. Protect And Serve – Lookie who's coming my way! Mister Law and Order in person! Hey! Is it true what they say? That you've become a cop? Or, it's just nasty rumors about you? – Hi there. No, it's true. I'm on the force now. Fresh out of school. – So, you went to a police school and all? – Yes, I did. Graduated with flying colors, and now it's "protect and serve"... – What do you actually do? Kick any doors in yet? – Oh, I'm a traffic cop with the State Patrol. – Traffic cop!? Man, I've always been scared of traffic cops! – Well, who isn't? Speaking of which, a funny thing happened to me yesterday. I'm on the beat, cruising in my police car and liking my new uniform, and all of a sudden, I notice a police car right behind me! And, I get really terrified! He's gonna get me! What have I done!? I get real sweaty and all... And then I think to myself "Wait a minute! I'm a cop myself now! I don't have to be afraid of no stinking cops any more!" – Oh man! That's really funny! Hey, you should sell that story to some stand-up comedian or something. OK. And it's really good to see you, man. Let's go and have a drink or two. I'm buying. – Yeah, sure... |
| 29 | 30. The Magic Word – My car died on me. Just ‘round the corner. – Obviously, you need a new one. Yours is a piece of junk. – It's not a piece of junk. It's a vintage classic. It's a Chevy sixty eight with all the original parts. – All? – Well, almost all. Sure she needs some fixing, but all in all, she's in fine shape. – Fine shape, right. Then my wheelchair-bound grandma is in fine shape, too. What are you going to do, if the next time it dies on you on a freeway in the fast lane? – Well, I don't take fast lanes. She's not that fast... – Is that supposed to be funny? I'm not laughing, you know. It's pretty serious. You can kill yourself. – I'm not gonna kill myself. I'll change the battery, the plugs, and the fuel filter and she's gonna be just like new. – Fine, suit yourself. – OK... – "OK" what? – Can I borrow your car for a couple of days? – And? – "And" what? – The magic word. – Please... |
| 30 | 31. Roach – Attention, class! Look at this little guy here. It's the common cockroach. Beautiful, isn't it? Most probably, it originated in the Silurian Period about three hundred and fifty million years ago. I mean, not our little buddy here, of course, but his great-great-great-many times more great-granddaddy. Cockroaches can be found everywhere in the world, from the tropical rain forest to the arctic, and even, I believe, in the heads of certain people in this classroom. Johnny, take that finger out of your nose! There exists no less than four thousand roach species. In a year, a single female can spawn over half a million little johnnies, well, descendants. Good job, girl! Radiation doesn't really bother them. Probably, they even enjoy it! From the survivalist point of view, they're practically flawless creatures. They've got only a very simple nervous system, Johnny, and their life's ruled just by basic environmental stimuli and nothing else. Unlike us, Johnny, they're incapable of thinking, of writing a book or composing music... Compared to this fellow, we're, well, gods and must therefore act appropriately... Take that finger out of your nose, Johnny! – Okay, teach... Teach-the-roach, teach-the-leech – eat the soap, lick the bleach... – What did you say? Lick what? – Nothing, teacher. My pen leaks... – OK. But you'd better watch your tongue, brother. – Sorry, teach... my brother – from another father, my sister – from another mister... |
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